Friday, May 21, 2010

Twitter is for voyeurs, Internet is for agoraphobics, Real life is for douchebags

Today was a long day.
I woke up after only like 5 hours of sleep, head pounding because of this godforsaken monsoon weather we've been having, and had to start "tweeting". Two hours later I woke up again and had to start "tweeting". Throughout the entire day, I had to "tweet".

What did I tweet about? Not a goddamn thing of importance. However, I still managed to pick up 2 more followers on Twitter. This leads me to believe one thing.

You are all voyeurs.

I am not, however, and exhibitionist... and I've failed you. I did nothing astounding that was worthy of your following me all day long, I jumped through no hoops, saved no orphans from a burning building... I didn't even set the building on fire that the orphans stay in.

Good god, I'm boring.

So here's what I've done, I've lounged around most all day doing absolutely nothing... until a couple of hours ago when I struck up a conversation with my new bloggy buddy about homeless people, drug addicts, and internet pirates.

It started about the pictures on her latest blogpost, then centered around our own experiences with friends and family...but in the end, it landed its focus squarely upon me.

So, here it is, world. I'm going to lay it out for you.

I'm fucked up. Seriously.
I don't mean like "huh huh huh, dude. I'm so wasted right now, brah..pass me another natural light."
I'm also not fucked up in the manner that I would be exploring methods of transportation in order to make it to White Castle.
But mentally, yeah, I'm a little cracked.

Granted, this mental condition I have is purely self-diagnosed. That doesn't mean its still not there.

It really started a few years back when I was still making rather poor choices in life, like going out and drinking heavily and drag racing down main street. That particular choice cost me my drivers license and 100 hours of court ordered alcohol classes.

I've never been unintelligent, and it was obvious to me that I was wayyyyy smarter than the jokers that were providing this specialized "rehab" service to us poor wayward individuals. What I was actually forced to go through was in way, shape, or form rehabilitation... they were just there to make a buck.
But, because I'm extremely charming and can manipulate and divert thought processes and conversations, I was actually deemed by them, on the paper that I took back to court, a "social drinker"... truth be told, at that point in my life I was a drunk.
I was very much self-aware of my functioning alcoholism, I could have been a poster boy for it. I was so self-aware of it that I could hide it from everyone else and make them believe I wasn't a danger to myself.
I was never much on drugs, per se. The worst I'd ever really done was smoke weed back in high school, and decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore when I turned 18. I mean, c'mon... I was only 18. I was on a budget. I could only afford 2 out of 3 vices, so I chose the two I enjoyed the most..being beer and cigarettes.

But lets fast forward a bit... I drank, mainly, because I liked to drink. I used to drink vast amounts. It's one of the few things I've ever been really really good at. And to be quite honest, except for a couple brushes with the law because I consciously made bad decisions thinking I would get away with it (see driving while intoxicated) was never a problem.
Now I don't drink. Not because it turned into an issue, but just because I don't really feel like it.

I have a new addiction now. It's worse than drinking, but at least its cheaper.

It's called the Internet.

It doesn't matter what part of the internet, that makes no difference.
WoW? all day long.
Facebook? I'm there, baby.
Random people I meet on the internet? hell yeah I'll talk to you!!
Any given website? ohmahgawd did she really just do that with a pickle?

Yup, doesn't matter what it is...the internet is my drug.
I was born for this shit.

My addiction starts when I first wake up. I have to check email, then I have to check facebook, and now (thanks to my mild ocd) I have to check my blog and twitter to see if I have new followers.
Then I see that I don't, and I get paranoid... "omg, I wasn't funny enough, they didn't tell any friends about me... must... try...harder..."
Or I do have new followers, and then I'm giddy like a schoolgirl that made it out of class without getting her pigtails dunked in the inkwell that day by that dirty little bastard Timmy Malone.

But I still have to try harder. My brain starts to scramble, I sit here and thoughts race around like greyhounds chasing rabbits on meth.

"shit, what am I gonna do... I know, I'll make pies"
"w00t, that was full of win! aw shit, I have no other am I gonna do now?"

I become a hermit, sitting on the edge of my bed staring blankly at my laptop and mindlessly eating raspberry zingers...

empty soda cans and coffee cups arranged neatly in a row on the nightstand until there are room for no more of them.
Then I get wrapped up completely in the internet again, and my self-diagnosed agoraphobia this point, I literally do -not- want to go outside any longer to interact with real people.
I mean, it just scares the shit out of me. Not in a "omg I can't breath" panic sort of way, but in a really weird sort of way.

The sort of way that makes it painfully obvious that people in the real world are absolute fucking imbeciles. They are. I'm not even joking.
The worst part of it is, I can't be open and honest with them in the real world like I can on the internet. It's not socially acceptable behavior.

Here, I can tell someone just how big of a douchebag (see attached picture of douchebag) they really are, and then point out 17 different reasons supporting my accusation.

If I do that shit in public, I'll get in a fight and go to jail.

Plus, people like you all are on the internet.
You bunch are INFINITELY more enjoyable to converse with than anyone I know in real life. People in real life are all like "heh about that game?"... .and I'm like " I DON'T EVEN LIKE SPORTS YOU FUCKWAD, I'VE TOLD YOU THAT LIKE 27 GODDAMN TIMES NOW!!!"
at least that's what I say in my head.

Oh oh... and people in real life... they smell.

Like some of them, they smell fucking HORRIBLE!

And half the time they do that shit on purpose!! I mean, I could understand if your plane went down and you just spent the last 65 days in backcountry hiking your way to civilization, sucking the sap out of pine cones and chewing on pebbles to survive... you might smell just a little odd.
But no, some of these people parade around in their skinny jeans and hipster glasses wearing some crap they got at the outlet mall and paid $47.00 per ounce for... and I have to stop and wonder just who in the HELL tied them down this morning and sprayed them like a feral cat with that foul smelling stench, then forced them to wander the streets like a down-on-her-luck french prostitute?

It's like they lost a bet.

Oh, and the girls.

Omg the girls these days. They actually do scare the shit out of me.
You don't know how old anyone is anymore...

I can't talk to any female in person unless she's got crows feet around her eyes, for fucks sake.
Jesus, I say hi to someone and grin... next thing I know I'm getting the partyvan on my front lawn.

It's no wonder I'm single.

Whats even worse than the girls are the boys! Don't even get me started on them.

This picture is also able to be swapped with the douchebag picture previously posted.

Ok, so I guess this went from "Twitter is for voyeurs" to "Hello, My name is Velocigoose...*hello velocigoose*" to a rant showing why my blog is named what it is.

sorry about that, I'll do better next time.


  1. This was great, velocigoose! I audibly laughed more than once. So I guess you should trust random chicks on the internet?! This goes against all my previous teachings, as they were "trust your gut, not random chicks on the internet [even if they're me]" See, I am great to you.

  2. you ARE great to me!
    I'm glad I trusted you, it turned out better once I added some pics I had laying around... thank you for the help and encouragement, sam <3

  3. I think I married the wrong man.

  4. oddly enough, thats what my ex's have said too...

  5. I´m glad that I´m "forced" to meet people a little now and then, mainly because of my studies and work. I know that I would become a complete introvert toenailbiting hermit, not trusting anyone except for my cats if I didn´t get my weekly dose of "people are idiots, learn how to cope with it"-vaccine.

  6. I rarely trust my cat, although I'm not quite to the toenail biting stage.

  7. It's awesome that you wrote this. I loved getting to know more about you, especially so quickly after I *met* you. In exchange for this awesome post, I offer the following about myself:

    Things have been so bad in my "real" life (including parents who legitimately didn't want me, sexual abuse, etc), that even though things are getting better every day and I'm slowly making my life exactly the way I want it to be, I can only make friends on the internet, because if you guys screw me over, are mean, or don't like me, I can just say "Well, it's only the internet" and go to another website.

  8. what can i say, people are eating their own self.

  9. Thank you for putting e in your blog roll velocigose.

  10. laidy mondegreen - that is the beauty of the internet, but also makes it tragic... I have unfortunately lost some pretty good e-friends in the past, but overall its been for the greater good being able to drift back into anonymity at will.
    and thank you for sharing a bit about you, linking me on your blog, and just generally being nice.
    goddamn, I feel like we should have a group hug now... *sniffle*

    melon. - that's slightly disconcerting, sir.

    paige - you're welcome, but I've told d and f they better straighten up and fly right if they want a spot. <3

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  12. I accidentally deleted my comment. Whoops.

  13. word. sometimes i go to coffee shops that don't have free wifi, and leave my phone at home, since there's no way in hell im going to pay for it it forces me to spend hours disconnected. it's amazing. try it if you like? i'd be interested to read a post about your experience! also, the people you like online exist in real life! it's just a matter of finding them, it's hard but possible. good luck!

  14. aww, it wouldn't be that hard. you live north of me, sammi lives west of both of us. the rest of the details are inconsequential, really.

    it'd just take a phone call or two to set up a coffee shop people watching adventure of EPIC PROPORTIONS!!! I can see it now. sammi would be all "so much beauty surrounding us, I'm going to take a photo to remember it." you'd be like "I really need to write a poem about this and capture every detail <3"... I'd be like "damn, that bitch should NOT be wearing hip huggers and a tube top. where is that waitress with my coffee?"

  15. I don't know if she knows you renamed me?

    And that second paragraph there just made me laugh so hard!

  16. She's a sharp girl, she'll figure it out if she ever lowers her standards enough to peruse my blog again... 'sides, you said it was weird when I call you paige.

  17. I'm thinking of you today because I have the mix CD you made me playing while I drive to Los Angeles.

    1. Sabby!! I'm thinking of you today because I had to log into my old email account to get my password so I can file my taxes and saw you left a message a year ago <3 Hope you're doing good... we need to hook up and shoot the shit sometime. I'm still not sure how we managed to drift apart from being internet besties...

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