Monday, June 14, 2010

Drunken blogging 101

First lesson, don't try and edit previous posts.

I'm on #8 out of 24 beers...yay for alcohol.
Here is what I'm currently listening to -

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Vacation Saga - part deux

Hello Internet.
I'm still bored. I mean like REALLY fuckin bored.

So... lets play a game, for all of you that are online or swing by now and again to read me. (the blog, not the letters stamped on my face)

Here's how the game is going to work...

You tell me something to do.
I do it.
I post results here.
Hilarity ensues.

Only two rules - 1) It has to be internet related... i.e. go to this website and say "this", post results of trolling./or go to this website and make account, bring back your discoveries
and rule 2) I'm not rich, so I would highly prefer is it is -free- internet sites and stuff... I don't feel like paying for any memberships of something I'm just doing for a one-time shot out of boredom.

So lets get  crackin' faithful legion of followers!! I am a highly experienced internet troll and have an absolutely amazing capability of bringing out the worst in people... and you can not shock me. period.

Gimme your best shot, gang, and lets have some fun!  <3

So my first follower Mrs Mac sent me over to to see what I could find... unfortunately, she can't read this blog on her bberry, and they're not quite moved into their new domicile yet.. However, in my travels, I have recovered a picture of THE STRONGEST THONG ON THE PLANET.
Not only can it keep an enormous amount of cellulite can also withstand the weight of 2 cases of beer!

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Official Velocigoose Vacation Chronicle

Well, its vacation time for the elusive Velocigoose. Everyone is leaving the household to actually "go" on vacation, meaning its just me here... I figured I'd go ahead and take the same time off from work and just sit home and enjoy the quiet.
When I say sit home, I mean that literally... we're currently a 1 vehicle household, meaning that I've got no wheels for roughly the next week.
So here's what I've done so far...

I came home.

Ate a sandwich.

Laid down for a nap.

Woke up at 12:30 a.m.

Won the poker shootout on facebook.

Checked bank account to see if I'd been paid.

Ate a donut.

Started this blog post.

So what do I do now? I've accomplished nearly everything I wanted to do in the first 11 hours, and I've still got like 6 days to go. I've taken vacation time before, it's not like I'm a stranger to it or anything...ok, I guess technically my previous vacation times were called unemployment... but the sentiment is still the same, right?

Any suggestions to break up the boredom while being home alone? (other than writing more blog posts... I'm already bored with that.)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Remember when I said "this is not a new post?"...

well, its still not...technically.
I know I've been slacking a bit, but what can I say except I'm has been slow, so some of my material is drying up.
On the plus side, starting tomorrow at 5 pm cst, I'm on vacation for about a week... everyone is leaving the household except for me, so I'll have plenty of time to write. naked. eating cheetos.

Let that sink in for a bit, and I'll see you all soon with some fresh stuff for you  =)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

No Title yet... I'll get back to you

So I had a dream last night. Some of you might think "meh, so what, I have dreams every night..", and thats cool..but this is a special occasion for me, because I rarely remember any dreams I have. I had one last week, but it was so utterly weird that I just chose to forget it... this one is a bit different.

Any amateur or professional dream interpreters out there, feel free to pick this one apart.

I woke up and got out of bed and started walking...where I was walking to, I have no flipping idea. Why I was wearing my sneakers in bed, I also have no idea...but when I was walking, I was wearing shoes, some cutoff camo fatigue shorts I have, and no shirt...just my blanket wrapped around me, dragging it behind me on the ground like a drowsy 4 yr old.
I'm not sure where I went, but I apparently made it there and suddenly realized it was time to go home... so I started walking home. I went down an alley..not a dark, dangerous, big city alley...just a regular semi-suburban alleyway... driveways for parking behind houses, etc.  I walked past a woman climbing down a ladder, apparently one of those ladders on the back of a big RV or motorhome (at least I thought it was).. she paid no attention to the strange half naked guy wearing chuck taylors and a blanket walking down her alley...focusing more on the guy that was getting out of the drivers seat of her RV. Then I noticed the RV was her home...literally. They had build an actual structure around/onto the motorhome... like building onto a trailer or something.  I found that odd, but kept walking.
The trees became slightly more bare as I walked down the alley, eventually just being big sticks coming out of the ground... void of leaves completely, which is also odd, considering it was springtime about 1 minute ago.  I passed another group of people that were just standing in the alley, looking over a chain link fence at something in the backyard. I paid them no mind, since it wasn't my backyard... I didn't even know where my backyard was, I was lost or something, but wasn't worried about it at all. I knew the direction I was heading was back home to my bed again.
As I got farther down the alley... yes, this alley seemed to go on forever, they should have put up snack stands or something for these long lost travelers such as myself... I felt a pinch on the upper part of my arm, on the backside of it. I reached around and pulled back fingertips that were bloody.
My blood.
Except, it was black. Black as the blackest darkest black you can imagine. (wtf, I have black blood in my veins... keep British Petroleum away from me, please.)
I heard a voice yell behind me, a deep thundering voice... not creepy like demonic or humbling like some deity... deep and thundering like when you see someone yell in a movie and its all slow motion.
They yelled "NOOOOOOOO..."

Then I felt it.

I got bit on the ass. 
And it hurt, a lot.

I'm not talking about like bit on the ass cheek, I mean I had just gotten bit right square on my ASS... like, right between my buttcheeks on my ASS!
I did some sort of kung-fu ninja reach behind grab maneuver and grabbed whatever the fuck just bit me... and it was a dog, the same dog that half a second before had jumped up and bit me on the arm.
A huge fucking german shepherd. And when I say huge, I mean like easily 175lbs great dane mastiff type huge. Except it was a shepherd.
I had a hold of him by the top part of his muzzle, which surprised him enough to let go of my ass, thankfully.. apparently he was used to being the top dog in a fight (sorry about the pun).. but I'm tougher than a dog, and I didn't let go. I held on with that hand, grabbed the lower part of his mouth with my left hand and jerked down, effectively dislocating his jaw.

Haha. I win, fido.
Then I seen his 2 brothers charging down the alleyway after me too. The next one jumped at me and grabbed my blanket, trying to rip it off of me, but I snatched him up by his throat and kind of choke-slammed him on his back into the gravel... he yelped and scrambled to get the hell away from me, since he knew he was going to lose.
Dog #3 was being held back by the owner (one of the people staring over the fence at the backyard), but not very securely since the dog was bigger than him... but I was ready to whip his ass too, just in case he got loose.

Just as I secured my blanket again, feeling my blackened blood trickling down my leg and my arm, setting my feet firmly and waiting for the last dog to come after me... I woke up.

Whats most disturbing about this dream to me, though, is the fact that I love dogs, especially german shepherds, and dogs love me.  I don't get why they were after me.

It made me sad.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Is it next week yet?

Ok, yeah, I know... I said I wasn't going to post until I "cleared up some things" that I couldn't communicate to you in a comical manner.
I lied.
I really don't know how I'm to convey this, except in its actual true and unembellished form.

You guys, I'm having the WORST WEEK EVER.
Maybe not like -the- worst week ever... I mean, it's not like that week when that one guy decided he was gonna do that one thing and it ended really badly for him. But as far as bad weeks go, mines been pretty shitty.

It all started last friday, when I got paid... had a decent check, actually, and because I'm a nice fella I gave mom like 80% of it. Told her to keep it for the upcoming cell phone bill and to put it in her bank..figured we'd need it for fuel and such.  (For those of you that don't know/haven't asked... due to unforseen complications in my latest attempt at marital bliss, I was stranded in the wild back-country of Kentucky for a couple of months and finally made my way back home where my mom was gracious enough to let me stay until I was back on my feet financially...unfortunately, its turned into a catch-22 and if I leave, we're both in worse shape than if I stay. This sucks, but what can ya do?)

Apparently she misheard me when I said I was only keeping a small amount for myself and giving her the lions share... because she felt it completely within her rights to A)piss away money unnecessarily on junk food for visiting kids instead of letting them eat whats in the house, 2)taking aforementioned kids out to eat and playing taxi cab driver all over town using up a vast amount of expensive gasoline, Infinity) rewarding the bad behavior of my jobless, shiftless, stoner nephew (who just wrecked his car beyond repair the night before) by giving him money TO GO TO A CONCERT 100 MILES AWAY IN ST LOUIS.
Mom: It's ok, he said he'd pay me back.
Me: He has no job, hasn't had a job longer than a week in at least a he has no car to even look for a job.
Mom: well...

Let's jump up to Sunday.
I go to work, its Memorial Day weekend, big sale... of course, the economy is shit so nobody wants to buy anything. Big Boss calls down from his tower in the sky (really its a back office in a store up north of us... tower in the sky just sounds more ominous) and bitches at the Manager on Duty because our sales suck. MoD bitches at us. I tell MoD to stfu and try harder. He goes and sulks like a pre-schooler.
MoD (whom I really and honestly just dislike... its hard for me to like anyone if I have zero respect for them in all facets of their life.) commences to follow me around like a puppy dog for the next 2 days.

The rage is building.

Monday, I swing by the closest gas station to grab some smokes and then head home. Writers block follows. I post music videos instead. (the gas station comes into play later)

Yesterday I carefully check my bank balance online, crunch numbers with a PEN AND PAPER GUYS!!! I actually did MATH! Thats how seriously I took this... and decided I could buy a soda at work. I get depressed about money again, finish my shift and head home.
I sit down for dinner and mom tosses the new cell phone bill at me. Expecting just a minor raise in it, since we added my line to her plan last month (on her billing cycle date, mind you), I felt my jaw drop.

What. The. Fuck.
I call customer service...tell them we were fully assured that there would be no pro-ration because we were making this change on the cycle date. I'm told tough shit (in a nice way) and to take it up with the store staff. I ask about at least waiving the activation fee for my phone and upgrade fee for mom's new least peel off that amount of nearly 60 dollars. Again, too bad so sad... go ask the store if they'll do it, we can't do that anymore.
I check the receipt to see if I can use the threat of just taking the phones back within the 30 day period. It's been 32 days. fml.
On top of everything else, my phone gets crap service in my house...and it dropped the call while I was telling customer service how thoroughly disgusted I was with the whole situation.

I feel the rage bubbling up in my throat.

Arizona says things will get better. I try to stay optimistic, but am having trouble keeping the faith.

Today, I figure it couldn't get worse, right?
I roll into work, have a fairly easy first hour... socializing a bit, having a cup of coffee, head out for a smoke. Then New Girl comes in... she looked a bit distraught.
Me: Hey, how's it going?
New Girl: umm..who is driving the blue minivan out there?

Me: I am. why?
New Girl: well, it was totally an accident, but thewindcaughtmydoorasiwasgettingoutanditsmackedintothesideofyourcarandthereisabigwhitestreakandpaintsmissingandi'mreallysorrybutitwasn'tonpurposeiswear
Me: *sigh*

I mean, seriously, can -anything- else go wrong this week?

I check the van for damage, figure I'll deal with having it fixed at some point and will just suffer the bitching and growling from mom until I do.

I need some aspirin... I check bank account to make sure I can grab a soda.
I have $0.12 in my account. *whew* at least I'm not overdrawn.
Then I notice I still have a pending charge for the soda I bought 2 days ago...I'm going to get hit with a 35.00 overdraft fee because of a 1.37 diet coke... and the reason I'm going to be overdrawn, was because the gas station cash register DOUBLE CHARGED ME!!!!!!!
My eye starts to twitch a bit.
I call the gas station, give the manager all the details including the number of the receipt and tell him I'd like the charge refunded.
Manager: Well, its nothing I can do right this second, but I'll look into it and get back in touch with you.

At least my cat hasn't died... she's still cuddly and cute and loveable and.. and...

and she just bit the ever-loving holy shit out of me when all I was doing was petting her.

I give up.