Friday, May 14, 2010

Crazy Chicks, Porn, and Big Losers

Hey there. Welcome to my first attempt at blogging.
I'm going to warn you upfront that I am not in any way, shape, or form a literary genius... I do good to manage a proper ellipsis. For those of you that have no idea what an ellipsis actually is... nevermind.

So I walked into work today, walking as slowly as possible in the downpour of rain because 1) Its work. Nobody wants to go to work. And B)It was the first day of work in my store for a new transfer from some store up north. The only problem was that we were pre-warned by an ominous phone call from the store... this girl is supposedly batshit crazy. Like to the point of she goes by 2 names, one name or the other depending on the mood she wakes up in I guess. "She's bi-polar." the boss told me. "I dated a bi-polar chick for almost 2 years, this bitch is schizophrenic" I calmly replied. "Either way, we have to watch what we say around her... she doesn't take to joking, I hear." *sigh* fml.

Anyway, fast forward from that conversation up to my walking through the parking lot in the rain.
Have you ever been out and about but suddenly feel like you're being followed/watched/stalked by some lunatic with a dead bloody rabbit in one hand and a butcher knife in the other? Good. We're on the same page.
That's the feeling that overcome me as I reached the entrance, so I deftly moved off to my right and fished around absentmindedly in my shirt pocket like I was actually trying to find something while looking over my shoulder to see her approaching.
Hmm. She didn't look crazy. Just the same, I let her go in first and stood outside listening for the sound of gunfire for a couple minutes.

The first couple of hours at work were somewhat uneventful, just the normal routine. "Trucks here, get the freight" "aww, balls." *15 min later* "Tech to the front please, customer needs assistance with a computer" "aww, double balls."
There stands a well dressed middle aged professional, much like all of my customers, carefully holding his laptop in his arms. "Hi there, having a computer issue?" I asked. "Yeah, I am..(quiet tone)i think i have a virus, must have been the kids playing around"
Open computer.
Power up.
Immediate pop-ups and spam.
"You were looking at porn, weren't you?"
"What?"
"nothing... 169.99 to fix it"
"Sure, can you have it done before the wife gets off work?"

Then comes over our delivery driver, whom I've affectionately nicknamed Sasquatch. "I gotta go grab a light lunch before our weigh-in" Hmm. "Wtf are you talking about?"
"Oh, Boss and me are having a Biggest Loser contest."
"Whats the prize for winning?"
"I dunno, we haven't decided."
"I want in."

So, weigh in results are as follows:
Day 1 -
Sasquatch - 270 lbs
Boss - 224 lbs
Me - 231 lbs

Insecurity kicks into overdrive. When did I gain 6 pounds? WHY AM I SUCH A LARDASS?!? ITS NO WONDER EVERYTHING WITH A VAGINA HATES ME!!

Fast forward to end of shift, we're all hanging around the register and Sasquatch brings up my idea in the open.."We probably should have opened this to the entire store."
For those of you that have had a crazy ex-girlfriend, or even those of you that may have -been- a crazy ex-girlfriend... insert crazy look here.

New girl - "So are you saying I'm fat?"

Awkward silence ensues. I quietly leave to go home.

Hellbent on winning this contest and dropping my body weight down to a slim and sexy 190 lbs, I immediately sit down for a healthy dinner and eat 2 large poor boy sandwiches, a large scoop of au gratin potatoes, 4 forkfuls of green beans, finished with an ice cream sandwich or two for dessert.
Oh, and a diet coke. Balance is everything, right?

3 comments:

  1. This is all made of win. You have just won a spot in my Google Reader.

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  2. I think I agree with Erin. *clickety click* done.

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  3. Thank you both so much, I'll try and live up to your expectations and keep on producing content made of win and awesome. (oh god, the pressure...)

    ReplyDelete